Day 02/30 – On Playing it Small

This is day 02/30 of June 2020 Blogging Challenge

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I write this post as a gentle reminder for my forgetful self, and maybe for you, too.

Since I became a mom, I have often been conflicted with work and homemaking and parenting with the latter tipping heavily on one side of the scale.

I cringe at the word “balance” because is there really? I have come across self-help books debunking “balance” and I am one to scratch my head over this gray matter.

But anyway…

Lately, I have been feeling it-–the disconnect between what I’m passionate about and what I do for a living, a.k.a. “job” and the discontent on being stuck. I always feel anxious when appraisal month lurks by and it’s once again time to hate on questions dressed like this: How do you see yourself in the future? Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Because the truth of the matter is I don’t know. And the other truth is I also do know.

I don’t know if spreadsheets would still interest me five years from now. But I do know that raising a family will still be my deepest, most profound calling; and for that, I would gladly trade off climbing the corporate ladder just to be home for dinner every single working day and to read that bedtime story for the thousandth time before the little one snoozes off to dreamland.

I don’t know if playing it small at work would serve me well five years from now. But I do know that I desire a slow and simple life with plenty of room for creativity, for wandering the nature trail, for getting lost in a book, for teaching a child to read or count or be curious about his world, for volunteering my time and talents for something that has eternal value.

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Whether I should pursue things outside my comfort zone and detour to the things I’m passionate about, or try to see if I can climb that corporate ladder someday, I know that for now, I am where I am supposed to be.

In the absence of the job title and the salary to match, and in the lack of fulfillment I so long to come from the work I do, I tend to forget why I have chosen to play it small (answer: a child’s formative years). I also tend to forget that it’s not about me (answer: it’s about God). I’m not the star of my one precious life.

Whether I choose to play big or small should ultimately bring glory to God. I tend to lose sight of that too. When I remember, however, playing it small in the marketplace doesn’t feel so small anymore.

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